I had a whole blog written and ready to post yesterday evening... And then I had an hour long Skype session with my mom. I won't get into all the details, but it basically included her in tears because I seemed so utterly lost in my blog posts.
"The whole point is that there's a silver lining" I reminded her, "I'm trying to just write from where I am, and I guess I'm kind of documenting the process of going through this point in my life."
"I know I just wish there was a little more happiness, some kind of a better ending. You're a good writer, you just seem so... lost." She said through tears, "It just hurts my heart to see you like that." (Ugh, that hurt my heart!)
"Well, I maybe am a bit lost. I'm not sad, I'm just expressing what's happening and the things I'm learning as I go," and just to hype the happy part, " and there's always a silver lining (smile)!"
"It's not much of a silver lining. I just think sometimes you don't need to be so deep about everything."
She had me there. We hung up and I felt a bit... (I may as well just say it)... lost.
So, I did what anyone in my situation with wifi would do: I googled it. Anything can be found online these days... Even you when you're lost. So without further adieu, here is what I found during my Google search:
The first thing I did was research "what to do when you're lost." My, oh my are there lots of helpful articles out there these days! I can't believe I hadn't found my way there sooner! (get it? Because I was lost...) Here's a link to all the results if you're interested: https://www.google.com/#q=what+do+you+do+when+you're+lost
These are two of the things that stood out to me.
1. A #quote that sums up what most of the articles said: “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau
2. One of the websites that catered to those literally lost in a place, advised: "Unless you are in immediate danger the most important thing you can do is help the searchers... Clues can provide positive identification of who you are and how to find you. "
What I took from this information was that when you're lost, you're supposed to understand yourself not find yourself. This is not the time to search for a way out, (unless you're in immediate danger!) it's the time to leave clues! So your job is to get your understanding on, then use what you learn to leave clues for other people so they can find you.
So now what I needed were clues. Which means... I'd have to do some understanding to gather those. I first sought out an explanation of why the things I write appear so depressing to others, yet make me feel good. And came up with yet another #quote:
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it."- Anaïs Nin.
Well, check, check, check, to all of those things: a. obviously I'm breathing, because that's just a requirement. b. I cry out, and apparently make other people cry too. c. sing, umm, helllloooo, there's a song at the end of every post. Not sure if I get bonus points for having all three, but let's just say it seemed like a great clue. Writing is a matter of heart for me... Which means I can't entirely control what I feel like venting about, I can only choose how many run-on sentences I write about those things. It just feels good to express myself this way, our culture may have no use for it, but I do. And finishing a piece is my happy ending. So that's settled.
Without even leaving the page I found my next deeply sought after piece of understanding via one of my all time favorite quotes:
"I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living."- Anaïs Nin.
Oh so true for me, in so many ways. Trust me, I WISH I didn't think so deeply about everything sometimes. I make a conscious effort to watch Jimmy Fallon clips and not analyze the meaning behind the lyrics of EVERY song. (Sometimes, the guy just likes big butts and he cannot lie.) However, my little mermaid mind cannot help but swim down deep to search for the answers to mostly everything. I know this about myself and embrace it, because you can find some pretty cool creatures down deep, lots of fish are bottom dwellers. Plus swimming is said to be the best form of exercise, so there's that.
And then there was the question of if I'm actually lost, because come to think of it, I may not have an exact direction I'm headed at the moment, but I'm okay with that. And then came some understanding.
"Not all those who wander are lost."- J.R.R. Tolkien
I was pretty sure I was wandering. In order to be lost you have to be looking for somewhere else, right? I wasn't in search of any place, just happily exploring the many hidden alleys in sweet little towns I've never been to before. I was looking at the options, seeing what was out there and just learning how to deal with things as they happened. I wasn't trapped, or in danger or afraid... So, pretty sure I'm a wanderer.
And for my last bit of understanding I'd like to alter a pre-existing saying to make up my own #quote, because I feel that addendum could really come in handy.
"Wherever you go there you are, and wherever you were, there you aren't."- me
You see just because we were picked on, or the popular kid, or heartbroken or married or traveling through New Zealand at some point in our lives... Doesn't mean we are there anymore. It may mean many of those things have contributed to the insight we have where we are now. It could mean we still have the acne, ring, scars or amazing mix tapes that came alongside those things... But those days are gone. We are no longer there. We are here. It is good for us, as well as our searchers, to remember that so they don't look in the wrong places and we don't get stuck heading backwards. If we learned how to pitch a tent near the Mississippi River in girl scouts, we can use that lesson to pitch one anywhere, even here, we don't need to be there . What I mean by that horrible analogy is that I may write based on where I've been, or even what I'm going through... But often, that's how I get through it. By the time the period lands after the last word (finally) completing a sentence, I've moved on to the next thing, hopefully with a lesson in the form of a silver lining, however un sunshiny it may be.
With that, here are my clues...
1. Being able to express something fully = happy ending
2. Swim deep, all the way down where it's easiest to get to the bottom of things
3. Drowning is to scuba diving, what lost is to wandering
4. I'm not there anymore, I'm here now.
Now I'm gonna just go ahead and be really honest here. While finding myself, I lost track of time and almost missed my bus to Uluwatu. So basically... By the time I found myself, I had to leave. In fact I almost missed out by looking so much, but luckily I made it. By the time I got here I was exhausted, so I took a nap. Now that I've reopened this, I'm no longer in the zone, and it doesn't feel as relevant as it did earlier... So I don't feel like going back through to tweak it or even finish it. But that's the beautiful thing about creating for the sake of creating... When you feel done, you are.
I will add one last thing though, for my mom and because it's the truth.
Current status: Happy. The end.
Silver Lining:
"Because I'm happy, Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof, Because I'm happy, Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth, Because I'm happy, Clap along if you know what happiness is to you, Because I'm happy, Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do."- 'Happy'- Pharrell Williams
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